My last post was in July. I have many reasons for not posting, since July. This year has been one of the most transformative years of my life, thus far. It's been a long road to somewhat get to myself. I spoke to my little sister, Nicole, yesterday, and she reminded me, "You've been grieving. So, I can only imagine what this year has been like for you." Grieving??
Never did it dawn on me that losing someone [a relationship], in life, could result in the kind of sadness one feels, when someone they love, dies. Life is so gloriously beautiful. To be able to experience such a sadness, yet, at the same time, feel such a liberation for its newness. I've been separated from my husband for over a year now, and I have to say, I know the true meaning of bittersweet. I love him differently, now. Our relationship is as close to wonderful, as it could have ever been...all we had to do was end our marriage.
It's December 30th, and I'm feeling reflective:
August
- Was let out of my lease. The company didn't want a lawsuit. I moved into another apartment, because I was accosted by a homeless man, in my old one (among other things)
- I got a new part-time job (a PA, to a bat-shit crazy reality "star")
- Began another podcast with my friend, Meghan Tonjes, called No Lies Detected
- Not letting go of my joy
- Performance at Hotel Cafe (still don't know how I feel about performing my music, again. Don't want to think about it)
- Parents visited (it was weird for both me and my husband. We live separately, but went out to dinner, all of us, like always...that was fucking weird and gave me and 'E' major anxiety)
- Got into a bad car accident, with my employers kid. It was the fault of the other driver. Car was damaged badly
- Car went into shop, to be assessed
- Not letting go of my joy
- Flew to Florida for a private performance
- Discovered that my employer was bat-shit crazy
- Found out, that although my accident was deemed 'not my fucking fault', the cost to fix my car, was more than my car was worth
- Lost my car ('E's' car too...yikes)
- New Reiki clients
- Not letting go of my joy
- Was fired by bat-shit crazy employer (I'll have to tell you that story, sometime)
- Went to Disney World (had the best time with my friend)
- Spent Thanksgiving alone (and loved every minute of it)
- Was harassed by ex-bat-shit crazy employer
- Wrote the ONLY email to the bitch
- More new Reiki clients
- Not letting go of my joy
- Told myself I was going to take it easy for the rest of the year
- Turned 37
- Fasted for 2 days
- Had a divorce/birthday party with 'E' (literally all I could ask for, simple and poignant)
- Had another late birthday party (amazing time)
- Made someone I care about, angry. (enough to hardly speak with me, for 5 days. All parties involved were hurt/annoyed. We figured it out...I think. I hope. All for one, and one for one. Kidding. We are who we are - that's all we can be. I don't like to read into things. Blah, blah, blah)
- Fasted for 3 days
- Was propositioned by a rich old white man, "...spend the holidays, in my cabin, with me."
- The best Christmas Eve
- The best Christmas present there ever was
- The best Christmas Day
- Realized, today, I've had no sex, since January (realized also, I'm demisexual)
- No sex is difficult, but not as difficult as having bad sex (or sex with a dumb fuck, which for me, is the same as bad sex. Just go look up demisexual, if you don't know)
- Not letting go of my joy
What I've learned in 2018? It still remains - I don't know shit. I will not always be pleasing to the people who love me, but this does not make me unlovable. I am irreplaceable. I don't need to "double down" on myself. Sharing my pain and growth has helped A LOT of you, with your own lives (thank you for all the wonderful emails and comments). Never volunteer myself to be murdered, in some white man's cabin. Crying is cleansing. My sarcasm is at an all time high (I love it). I am beautifully fit, in this timeline of my life. What is meant for me, will never run from me. Live life amazingly. Feel pain, love, sorrow, joy in amazing ways. Let them learn and love you. I am loved. I am worthy. Life is grand. Never letting go of my joy (and my joy doesn't have to look like anyone else's). See you in 2019. Love to you and yours.
Upward and onward.
