Domir

In this very moment, I am not feeling great. I never regret anything, so, I might as well blog while I'm in this state of mind. I'm tired...and not "Man. I've worked all week and could really use some R&R" tired. I'm praying-to-the-sky-asking-her-to-release-me-whatever-that-looks-like-from-this-agony tired. No, literally, I was just sobbing 5 minutes ago, and through tears, whispered "Please, just release me from this - whatever that means, or looks like, just please release me. I can't go on in this way, any longer."

I just ordered a Gyro from this Greek restaurant, here in LA. Apparently, it's some of the best Greek food in town. I can't shake this feeling of wanting better for myself. I really wish I could. It would make what I'm experiencing way less traumatic. I don't want to care about the fact that in doing exactly what I've been called to do (whatever that means), working and creating on several projects, healing energies, coaching and podcasting (and now, memorizing a one woman musical...because really, who need sleep), I'm still in a position of panic, every month, at the same time, just wondering, how the fuck I'm going to pay to keep this roof over my head. This roof that houses me and brings me sanctuary and peace, every week, but the last week of each month. I know I'm not alone.

I regard myself so much, that I can accept when I'm supposed to believe my suffering, is for my greater purpose. I'm officially numb and don't need or want a pep talk about how amazing I am. That's not what this is. I don't believe I'm a piece of shit - but what if I am? What if in accepting that...I literally just fell asleep, for about 3 minutes. That's how little I desire to care. Imagine the scene of someone typing all the ways they feel about what is happening in their life, so convincingly...and then they fall asleep, mid-speak. I'm definitely a character, that's for sure. But a character people flock to, because they believe in my ideologies. I don't even know the deeper inner-meanings of what I'm talking about, half the time. (Fell asleep, again.) I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open to write about how exhausted and - I need to put together a jazz band.

(Fell asleep) I don't want to go on about how unfair life is, because I'm a healer. Sarcasm. Do you see what I mean when I say healers and motivational speakers are people, too?  Understand, the gift of healing comes with great reward, but also great sorrow. No one is exempt. I accept what's happening...fucking hell...I'm going to go take a nap. I know I'm wonderful. I know I'm worthy. If I could just keep my eyes open; irony. I'm clever AF...

Onward and upward (watch this space).