Hi.
Happy New Year.
Currently listening to Blossom Dearie sing L'Etang, on repeat. Don't know where to begin. Not high. Not tipsy. Just somber and sober. It's a beautiful darkness, unlike any other I've swam in before. I feel such solitude and peace. Typing with no real thought, about anything - or anyone; just me. I went outside today. Walked to the grocery store and bought produce. As I walked back, uphill, carrying a heavy bag full of things (that my bank account allowed me to purchase) - I felt whole.
My parents had to help me pay my rent, last week. Just saying that, has brought me to tears. I'm thankful to have loved ones in my life, who still believe in me. The highs and lows of my adult life, have been exhausting, to say the least. But today, was different. There have been many times, over the last 10 years, when I was just not able to afford groceries, let alone, rent. As well, there was a time I was able to pay 1 year of rent, upfront - twice. It was such a wonderful feeling; liberating. I sit here today, feeling liberation, and not because my rent was paid, but because I've detached myself from allowing money, or my skill/talents, to define who I am. I am priceless.
I don't want to complain anymore about what I don't have. Because what I do have, is greater than anything I could ever ask for...or buy. I feel free of all the technicalities of life, for, stressing and worrying about them, has never served me. The one thing that has always showed up for me, is the power of intent. I speak things I want into existence, and just like that, I'm faced with them all - and all I want is good. I want all the good. I am good. I've earned good. Everything in my life is for the greater good, of the goodness I already possess. That's priceless.
There are so many wonderful things that have happened, are happening, and will happen. I want to remained awakened, so that I may swim in all that beauty. I feel different. Only, nothing has changed, because I've always been here - I've been with me, since the beginning. The world and all its pressures, made me walk away from self. Today, as I walked...I walked to me...stepped inside...and shut the door, to the outside - for good. I am for me. Priceless.
On the moor, near the pond
where the haze is only blue,
I float and the shadow extends
in the chilly evening.
There the sky for a few moments
Still has gold in his eyes
A star shines at the bottom of the pond
For lovers
I have my dreams, I have the night
And the smell of flowers blooming
A birdsong
Clouds rolling waters
And I just lie down on the edge of the pond
Where the haze is blue
Alone, I dream and the shadow extends
In the chilly evening
I have my dreams, I have the night
And the smell of flowers blooming
A birdsong
Clouds rolling waters
And I just lie down on the edge of the pond
Where the haze is blue
Alone, I dream and the shadow extends
In the chilly evening
where the haze is only blue,
I float and the shadow extends
in the chilly evening.
There the sky for a few moments
Still has gold in his eyes
A star shines at the bottom of the pond
For lovers
I have my dreams, I have the night
And the smell of flowers blooming
A birdsong
Clouds rolling waters
And I just lie down on the edge of the pond
Where the haze is blue
Alone, I dream and the shadow extends
In the chilly evening
I have my dreams, I have the night
And the smell of flowers blooming
A birdsong
Clouds rolling waters
And I just lie down on the edge of the pond
Where the haze is blue
Alone, I dream and the shadow extends
In the chilly evening
L'etang by Blossom Dearie
Upward and onward.
