"You are not required to set yourself on fire,
to keep other people warm."
My portable Bose speaker, that I usually take with me to the beach, is currently connected to my TV.
It gives me a movie theater experience. It's what I envision for my future self, in my future home, with my future partner, living comfortably and abundantly - in financial wealth, health and love.
Anyway, I just walked over to turn up the volume, as I began watching Shrill.
A roach.
A goddamn, muthafuckin roach, chilling on my Bose speaker, like "Bitch, what button you need me to press?" Wait. You do not live here. How did you get in??
I was feeling really good this morning. Pulling tarot for my dear ones and drinking my morning lemon and green tea. I meditated. I thanked my spirit guides for waking me up...I told myself, "I love you." Everything felt wonderful and for a moment, I forgot about the struggle. The day to day struggle. Life is a struggle, even for an energy healer. It's true, I believe that when I stand in my power, speak my truth and trust that what is for me, will never run from me. I live my life this way.
I was on the phone yesterday, with my sister and my mother. Sometimes, our family are so protective over our feelings. They don't want us to feel pain or harm, so they will interject, give unwanted advice - not because of anything more than wanting to protect you. It's a sweet gesture, but it can also be a very toxic one, if you are a person that always leaves yourself, to take on others thoughts and opinions about your choices in life.
Their fear? That I am still allowing my ex-husband's life to affect my energy. That my letting go of my marriage was the healthiest thing I could have ever done for myself, "...but sometimes it sounds like you're still there, when you speak about the past...we think maybe you should not speak to him for awhile, just to give you both some space."
I went silent.
My sister, "Have we said something to upset you?"
"I understand your concern. I do. Neither of you have ever been divorced...neither have I, but I'm IN this. I am currently living this. I love him and always will. Removing myself from his life will only happen, if that is what is to unfold. I will not actively put energy into not speaking to someone, whom I care about. Our relationship has never been better, and we are letting go, together whilst also building a stronger foundation, in our friendship. We have understanding and respect, in ways we never have. When I speak about the past, to you, it's because of the enlightenment I've gained...I'm speaking aloud (something I never used to do), what I'm processing, about who I was, and where I am now. I am strong and righteous in my discovery of Self and it feels good to talk to people I trust, about those very discoveries...even it means hearing myself say it more than once. I can choose not to discuss these things with you all...but that's not what I'd prefer. I want to know I can speak to you about anything, and that using enough discernment, of who you know me to be, now, you will only hear my words as someone who is processing, in their power. I am safe with myself and trust in the process unfolding before me. It's not up to me to bring it to a halt. This could very well be a lesson I'm learning - who knows? But I'm not going to interrupt it, because I think I know better. I don't. I don't know shit. I'm living in the experience."
Those are the words and context in which I spoke. They completely understood and respected my wishes [boundaries]. "You're right. No need to try and control what's happening." We will never have to have this conversation, again.
It feels good to tell the ones you love, exactly how you feel, from a state of confidence and power. Staying with myself is more important than anyone, or anything else. I will never leave myself to swim in the pool of someone else's assessment of my life. If I don't know shit, about my life - no one else ever could. In my life, I choose to live in the present.
And presently, that roach is dead and down the toilet.
I feel better already.
Upward and onward.
