I Want More

I was molested when I was 7 years old. I think that's a good place to begin. 

It's never a good time to be sexually assaulted. There can be severe trauma, at any age, with any kind of abuse. The levels in which we are able to guide ourselves through it, can vary, depending on ones own personal life experience. At 7, the only thing I knew - obey my elders. My abuser, was a friend of the family, an elder - he's dead now. May his spirit forever suffer.


"You're too young to know what you need. That's why you have to trust me. Do you trust me?"

I can't recall how long I trusted him. When you're that young, an hour can seem like an entire day. For many hours, I trusted. For many days, I trusted...I never stopped trusting, until I did. I didn't understand why I wasn't allowed to tell anyone. With all that I know now, that was the very moment I began to adjust myself, for the sake of others - whom I trust(ed). You never really think that an experience from your past, can guide the very person you become in your future. I will be 36, about a month from now. Just a couple of weeks ago - a revelation. All my life, I've accepted others dismissiveness, of my feelings, as me over-reacting, or being irrational. May his spirit forever suffer.

Over the past couple of years, I began to realize how much one can be shackled to their trauma. How decisions I've made, regaurding people I love(d), were solely for them and never myself. Therein lies the problem. When those people choose to dismiss and/or mistreat me; utter devastation. I feel everything. I feel it all. I become physically ill. It feels torturous. It feels...like I'm being molested. May his spirit forever suffer.

I'm journeying onward to love myself, listen to myself and trust myself. My feelings are real, they are sound, and they are meaningful. I will embrace them wholly and will always believe in them. Onward and upward.

My life is mine. It belongs to me.