Not The Average Bear

       

photo by Dusty St. Armand

It's always easier to remember, and know what I feel like - it's a constant. Lately, I've been feeling melancholy, sometimes, even hopeless. I allow myself to go through whatever my spirit is crying out for me to feel. It's difficult to be so be optimistic and a logic thinker, all at the same time. I, sometimes, want to apply logic to my feelings, and merely adjust them - as to not have to feel anything. Alas, feelings are needed and demand to be felt.

I remember when I stumbled into the music business, in 2002 (yea, that's how long it's been). I didn't have any thoughts or ideas on what I wanted, or expected - because it was never something I was seeking to do. I was always the girl who wanted to be on Broadway...or study criminal law. I never saw myself writing songs, or even producing music, for that matter. I was a trumpet player for 7 years - had dreams of becoming a great jazz trumpeter. Oh man, how brilliant would that have been? During those 7 years, I taught myself to play 5 other instruments, including the saxophone. Seriously, who was I? I look back at that and am always amazed at how dedicated and focused I was, at wanting to be skillful in everything I did.

In 2002, I was told and encouraged to begin writing and recording my own songs. I could already play the piano, so I figured, I'd give it a go. I won't lie, I was so shit at songwriting, but I was determined to practice and "get good". After awhile, writing on the piano just wasn't inspiring me...so the guitar, it was. I had never touched a stringed instrument in my life - that shit ain't easy. I had all these words in my head, but no way of translating them to music, because I didn't know how to properly play guitar. That's the thing with being a trained musician/vocalist (or anything, for that matter), you believe in the technique of learning, and acquiring the structured, and educational approach of learning a craft. I had to let that at all go, if I wanted to simply write a song. That was when I decided to just begin with writing my first guitar song, on one string.

After writing over 230 songs, successfully, playing one string, I moved on (wrote tons more songs) and progressed into a guitar player. Am I great at playing guitar? No. I still can't play it, not in the way someone is taught to play it - but I do it my own way. A way, in which, I've been told by other professional guitar players, is difficult for them to even grasp on to...it's in the way I play. For that reason, alone, I feel worthy enough to call myself a guitar player. I feel the same way about production. I got to a point in my career, when the producers I collaborated with missed the mark on meeting me, in the same place I felt a song needed to go. It wasn't until I began doing for myself, that I was truly creating all that was in my head (it's kaleidoscope in there). It was an amazing feeling, to have more control over what my music sounded like.

As I sit here now, listening to jazz (it heals me), I've been in hiding - producing, all on my lonesome, a project that, really is, bigger than I. I'm feeling overwhelmed. Feeling mentally and emotionally stressed. It sounds fucking amazing...and that scares me. The only person to hear the play by play, of the development of every song, is the only one I trust with it, at the moment. This album has become so sacred and therapeutic, I feel protective over it. That's never happened before. The depths of emotional bliss I'm experiencing making this; I want it all to myself. I feel amazing...and that scares me. There has been a shift in the way I feel about my music. These days, I create merely to be one with love. This album, has made me remember love and why doing things my way, is the only way.

A couple of weeks ago, I found myself on a rooftop, in Brooklyn, with my friend Dusty. We had the most amazing time and the best conversation. He made me feel amazing. I remembered that feeling, well after we parted ways. A few days ago, he sent me one of the photos from our shoot. I still remembered what I felt like, that day, but in that moment, seeing an actual picture - I saw what I looked like. 

I am art.

Learning to love myself, and my choices to do so, unapologetically - a little more each day. I am worth it all - even on the days I question why I even bother. Upward and onward.