Sabrina

I think one of the worst emotional experiences, as a human being, is when one has to ask themselves, if they are being treated the way they deserve.

Deserve. That word, when used, usually has the meaning of entitlement. What we think we should have because of who we are. It's quite arrogant, when I think about it. I believe, I deserve whatever is coming to me, good or bad. If I'm allowing/keeping myself in something that isn't healthy, or is unfair to me - until I learn otherwise, I deserve it. 

There is also beauty when realization strikes, in a moment. The moment when you think, "I deserve more than this." It's one of the most beautiful releases I've ever experienced - it's extremely empowering. What's even better than that, is being able to give yourself the more, without being dependent on someone else; liberation.

So far, this summer, I've been watching a lot of my favorite movies, and spending a lot of time with myself (sometimes in silence). I'm in the middle of finishing one of my favorite movies, Sabrina. Not the Audrey Hepburn version, but the one with Harrison Ford and Julia Ormond. I grew up loving that movie. In a nutshell, a love story about a woman who has a long time crush on someone, who never notices her. For her, she knows he is the love of her life. As the movie unfolds, things begin to change and life leads her exactly where she is meant to be.

We spend so much time focusing on what we believe is for us, instead of living moment to moment, and trusting that what is meant for us, will never run away. I recently told my father, I'm no longer going to try to do anything. I'm going to spend my days listening and trusting that whatever The Universe has for me, is already mine, whether I've arrived to it, or not.

I is smart. I is kind. I is important...and I am worth it all. Pleading anyone, or anything to see my value, was never deserving of me, to begin with. Letting go of what you think you deserve, is the best thing you can do for yourself. For it is, already, much greater than anything you could ever think of. What's yours is yours, and it will always find you.

Sabrina taught me the meaning of 'deserve'.

Delusions Of Grandeur

I had a conversation with one of my top favorite people, my cousin. She and I have been through a lot together. At one point, in our early 20's, we had a very co-dependent relationship. It was toxic, to say the least. I mean, any co-dependent relationship is toxic. It was some of my most favorite times, though, if I'm being honest - because we had no inhibitions, then. We've both grown up, quite a bit, since then. But do we ever really grow up, or do we just get tired of the trend of our patterns? Either way, she and I have an understanding and are able to communicate through any misunderstandings we've ever had, even if that means not speaking to one another, for days, weeks, even months. It's so good to know that you can be yourself in something, without fear. Feeling safe in it, even when you're unsure about what exactly is happening, rather, what has happened. You can only do that though, when all parties involved, are willing to take responsibility/accountability. Feelings have no place in taking such actions. Because our logic, can still be wrong, even if we feel we've been wronged. I live in love, and in logic. I don't do well with delusions (the human delusion, is the worst of them all). The way we feel, can, at times, make us delusional, when we haven't applied logic.

I've been humbled many times in my life. It's always when I think I don't have something, and then behold, it's been staring me right in the fucking face, for years; blind. I believe most of us spend a lot of time on the hunt for something, believing we can find it in other people, mostly new people. It always feels like there is promise in newness. Frankly, a shit is still a shit, if it's shit - doesn't really matter which toilet you choose. I've learned many lessons in the newness of people. Some of them, only appear, to show you what you can do without. To show, what you no longer need, or should put up with. They are merely 'testers' in your life's timeline, to see if you're really paying attention to the lesson. These days, my eyes and ears are wide open. I believe people, the first time they show me who they are. I never make a way for shit, not anymore; flush.

I've made a promise to myself that I will only give of myself (mind and/or body), to those who add value to my life. Quality people. Too many delusional and irrational beings, who truly believe they are winning at life - because they are breathing. We are meant to live our best lives. This includes, recognizing our toxic behaviors/patterns (towards ourselves and others), taking steps to rectify unhealthy habits, without projecting blame. The only way to do that, is to know that how we feel, doesn't mean it is so. That's a hard pill for delusion to swallow...

...and I'm not the gel-coated kind.

Upward and onward, people.