All For Me

It never fails, this notification always frightens me.

I don't know what I want this blog entry to be about.

I'm currently listening to jazz music. Acid reflux is in full bloom. Bloated and bleeding. (Love me). Lots on my mind. I want to believe that whatever I have to say, is worthy of being heard (in whatever form it comes). I write music to release the passionate, expressive beast I have within me. Writing has been the only way I can get across exactly how I feel...though, it's not something I've ever loved doing. It's too revealing. That scares me. Alas, I do it anyway. Isn't that how the saying goes? "Feel the fear and do it anyway" ? I fear writing, embarrassment and rejection. I'm not sure anyone loves embarrassment, nor rejection - but I especially, don't like to make a fool of myself. I should elaborate.

Telling someone how I feel about them, how much I care...attempting to show them, only to be rejected - is embarrassing. That's the only situation, in where I'm truly not fond of rejection/embarrassment. Opening up is not something I do often, though, I am a very transparent person. Privacy and transparency don't have to be mutually exclusive. Being both is acceptable - even if it wasn't, it's my world.

Therapy has taught me, basically, I am not who I thought I was. Well, not all of who I was. This has been both, a very surprising and liberating experience (I'm still experiencing it). I spend my time, now, listening to myself. Once I've heard and understood - I act. It really is the only way to heal and love yourself, efficiently. In doing so, I've completely resurrected my truest self, and am currently on a path to trusting, and believing in her process, completely. It's the least I could do, for ignoring her, since the beginning of time. She's got my undivided attention. Living for her, from now on. Upward and onward.