Lately

Summer 2011. Musikfest. Just before I went on stage.

Honestly, lately, I've been feeling like utter shit. Through it all, I maintain my daily meditation, tarot card readings, visualizing, praying, fasting - I'm doing it all. I'm 2 weeks away from being a certified Reiki healer. Apparently, I'm more capable of healing others, than myself. I think this may be true for most. Maybe that's why my spirit has always been seen and felt as healing energy. Come to me, I'll heal you. (That was sarcasm, but, like, not sarcasm.)

Anyway, I've been practicing and growing within my own abilities. I possess a clairvoyant nature. I always have, since I was born - and, I'm from Massachusetts (so, you put that one together). So far, I've done several attunements and clearing/cleansing of chakras. Being able to heal or explain to people what's going on with their bodies and/or spirit (and being spot on every time), is quite rewarding. It's one of the things I look forward to most, because there is a feeling of accomplishment, when it's over.

Humor me, as I might jump from subject to subject, in this blog entry. My mind is all over the place, and I'm not even trying to make sense of it, anymore. Funny story (not so funny), a production company offered me $50 to use my music (this, after trying to get it for free...for forever), so, that wasn't insulting. It took all I had, not to tell them to FUCK OFF, WITH THAT MUTHAFUCKIN BULLSHIT. Instead, I just said "I won't be able to authorize use of my music, at this time." Get this, "...we don't have a music budget for this project..." SO  WHY  THEE  FUCK,  DID  YOU  CONTACT  ME??? That put me in a space. In a weird place. In a mood. I just want to put a pin in it, when I feel like this. I don't have the drive to fight these unnecessary battles, with anyone, anymore. When people are impressed with your quality and honesty, yet, can't bring themselves to respect and reciprocate - go away. Why are you here? More so, why are you? I'm disgusted and sickened by human beings, who expect something for nothing - and, for forever. Fuck you. Fuck all of you.

I've been crying a lot. When I say a lot, I mean cradling myself, in a corner, practically. I just want to experience something, anything (at this point), as honest and respectful, as I. I'll be honest, I'm experiencing, at least, one thing - but I'm feeling greedy. "You should be giving that to yourself, Mishal." Is that what you're going to say? Well, I'll have you know, I love myself...very much. There isn't one part of me, that doesn't. I am angry for myself, because she belongs to goodness, (always arrives in the spirit of love, and understanding) and is constantly met with incomplete beings, who talk a good game, and have no follow through. Oh man, I can feel them coming, again; tears. I can also, feel myself slipping into that darkness. In the past, I used to try and fight it. I don't even have the fight or care to do so, at this stage, in my life.

At the end of the year, I'll be 37. I don't know why I just told you that. Maybe to emphasize where I am, in the "no fucks zone". I'm at Bea Arthur, in The Golden Girls, status. This is who I am, now. Love me, respect me - all of me...or leave me the fuck alone. Yes, at this moment, I am an angry, black woman (No. No, I'm not. I'm a passionate black woman, knowing her worth, and "reclaiming her time"). I'm tired - of it all.

I truly want to move upward and onward. I hope the Universe sees this, and sends me a large amount of money, a fly ass studio apartment, in LA, and an old, red, Jeep Wrangler, in mint condition. I'm shallow, today.

Have a good one.