Domir

In this very moment, I am not feeling great. I never regret anything, so, I might as well blog while I'm in this state of mind. I'm tired...and not "Man. I've worked all week and could really use some R&R" tired. I'm praying-to-the-sky-asking-her-to-release-me-whatever-that-looks-like-from-this-agony tired. No, literally, I was just sobbing 5 minutes ago, and through tears, whispered "Please, just release me from this - whatever that means, or looks like, just please release me. I can't go on in this way, any longer."

I just ordered a Gyro from this Greek restaurant, here in LA. Apparently, it's some of the best Greek food in town. I can't shake this feeling of wanting better for myself. I really wish I could. It would make what I'm experiencing way less traumatic. I don't want to care about the fact that in doing exactly what I've been called to do (whatever that means), working and creating on several projects, healing energies, coaching and podcasting (and now, memorizing a one woman musical...because really, who need sleep), I'm still in a position of panic, every month, at the same time, just wondering, how the fuck I'm going to pay to keep this roof over my head. This roof that houses me and brings me sanctuary and peace, every week, but the last week of each month. I know I'm not alone.

I regard myself so much, that I can accept when I'm supposed to believe my suffering, is for my greater purpose. I'm officially numb and don't need or want a pep talk about how amazing I am. That's not what this is. I don't believe I'm a piece of shit - but what if I am? What if in accepting that...I literally just fell asleep, for about 3 minutes. That's how little I desire to care. Imagine the scene of someone typing all the ways they feel about what is happening in their life, so convincingly...and then they fall asleep, mid-speak. I'm definitely a character, that's for sure. But a character people flock to, because they believe in my ideologies. I don't even know the deeper inner-meanings of what I'm talking about, half the time. (Fell asleep, again.) I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open to write about how exhausted and - I need to put together a jazz band.

(Fell asleep) I don't want to go on about how unfair life is, because I'm a healer. Sarcasm. Do you see what I mean when I say healers and motivational speakers are people, too?  Understand, the gift of healing comes with great reward, but also great sorrow. No one is exempt. I accept what's happening...fucking hell...I'm going to go take a nap. I know I'm wonderful. I know I'm worthy. If I could just keep my eyes open; irony. I'm clever AF...

Onward and upward (watch this space).

How Did You Get In?

"You are not required to set yourself on fire, 

to keep other people warm."

My portable Bose speaker, that I usually take with me to the beach, is currently connected to my TV.

It gives me a movie theater experience. It's what I envision for my future self, in my future home, with my future partner, living comfortably and abundantly - in financial wealth, health and love.

Anyway, I just walked over to turn up the volume, as I began watching Shrill. 

A roach.

A goddamn, muthafuckin roach, chilling on my Bose speaker, like "Bitch, what button you need me to press?" Wait. You do not live here. How did you get in??

I was feeling really good this morning. Pulling tarot for my dear ones and drinking my morning lemon and green tea. I meditated. I thanked my spirit guides for waking me up...I told myself, "I love you." Everything felt wonderful and for a moment, I forgot about the struggle. The day to day struggle. Life is a struggle, even for an energy healer. It's true, I believe that when I stand in my power, speak my truth and trust that what is for me, will never run from me. I live my life this way.

I was on the phone yesterday, with my sister and my mother. Sometimes, our family are so protective over our feelings. They don't want us to feel pain or harm, so they will interject, give unwanted advice - not because of anything more than wanting to protect you. It's a sweet gesture, but it can also be a very toxic one, if you are a person that always leaves yourself, to take on others thoughts and opinions about your choices in life.

Their fear? That I am still allowing my ex-husband's life to affect my energy. That my letting go of my marriage was the healthiest thing I could have ever done for myself, "...but sometimes it sounds like you're still there, when you speak about the past...we think maybe you should not speak to him for awhile, just to give you both some space."

I went silent.

My sister, "Have we said something to upset you?"

"I understand your concern. I do. Neither of you have ever been divorced...neither have I, but I'm IN this. I am currently living this. I love him and always will. Removing myself from his life will only happen, if that is what is to unfold. I will not actively put energy into not speaking to someone, whom I care about. Our relationship has never been better, and we are letting go, together whilst also building a stronger foundation, in our friendship. We have understanding and respect, in ways we never have. When I speak about the past, to you, it's because of the enlightenment I've gained...I'm speaking aloud (something I never used to do), what I'm processing, about who I was, and where I am now. I am strong and righteous in my discovery of Self and it feels good to talk to people I trust, about those very discoveries...even it means hearing myself say it more than once. I can choose not to discuss these things with you all...but that's not what I'd prefer. I want to know I can speak to you about anything, and that using enough discernment, of who you know me to be, now, you will only hear my words as someone who is processing, in their power. I am safe with myself and trust in the process unfolding before me. It's not up to me to bring it to a halt. This could very well be a lesson I'm learning - who knows? But I'm not going to interrupt it, because I think I know better. I don't. I don't know shit. I'm living in the experience."

Those are the words and context in which I spoke. They completely understood and respected my wishes [boundaries]. "You're right. No need to try and control what's happening." We will never have to have this conversation, again.

It feels good to tell the ones you love, exactly how you feel, from a state of confidence and power. Staying with myself is more important than anyone, or anything else. I will never leave myself to swim in the pool of someone else's assessment of my life. If I don't know shit, about my life - no one else ever could. In my life, I choose to live in the present.

And presently, that roach is dead and down the toilet.

I feel better already.

Upward and onward.

Hi.

Happy New Year.

Currently listening to Blossom Dearie sing L'Etang, on repeat. Don't know where to begin. Not high. Not tipsy. Just somber and sober. It's a beautiful darkness, unlike any other I've swam in before. I feel such solitude and peace. Typing with no real thought, about anything - or anyone; just me. I went outside today. Walked to the grocery store and bought produce. As I walked back, uphill, carrying a heavy bag full of things (that my bank account allowed me to purchase) - I felt whole.

My parents had to help me pay my rent, last week. Just saying that, has brought me to tears. I'm thankful to have loved ones in my life, who still believe in me. The highs and lows of my adult life, have been exhausting, to say the least. But today, was different. There have been many times, over the last 10 years, when I was just not able to afford groceries, let alone, rent. As well, there was a time I was able to pay 1 year of rent, upfront - twice. It was such a wonderful feeling; liberating. I sit here today, feeling liberation, and not because my rent was paid, but because I've detached myself from allowing money, or my skill/talents, to define who I am. I am priceless.

I don't want to complain anymore about what I don't have. Because what I do have, is greater than anything I could ever ask for...or buy. I feel free of all the technicalities of life, for, stressing and worrying about them, has never served me. The one thing that has always showed up for me, is the power of intent. I speak things I want into existence, and just like that, I'm faced with them all - and all I want is good. I want all the good. I am good. I've earned good. Everything in my life is for the greater good, of the goodness I already possess. That's priceless.

There are so many wonderful things that have happened, are happening, and will happen. I want to remained awakened, so that I may swim in all that beauty. I feel different. Only, nothing has changed, because I've always been here - I've been with me, since the beginning. The world and all its pressures, made me walk away from self. Today, as I walked...I walked to me...stepped inside...and shut the door, to the outside - for good. I am for me. Priceless.

On the moor, near the pond 
where the haze is only blue, 
I float and the shadow extends 
in the chilly evening.

There the sky for a few moments
Still has gold in his eyes
A star shines at the bottom of the pond
For lovers

I have my dreams, I have the night
And the smell of flowers blooming
A birdsong
Clouds rolling waters
And I just lie down on the edge of the pond
Where the haze is blue
Alone, I dream and the shadow extends
In the chilly evening

I have my dreams, I have the night
And the smell of flowers blooming
A birdsong
Clouds rolling waters
And I just lie down on the edge of the pond
Where the haze is blue
Alone, I dream and the shadow extends
In the chilly evening

L'etang by Blossom Dearie

Upward and onward.

Beautifully Fit

My last post was in July. I have many reasons for not posting, since July. This year has been one of the most transformative years of my life, thus far. It's been a long road to somewhat get to myself. I spoke to my little sister, Nicole, yesterday, and she reminded me, "You've been grieving. So, I can only imagine what this year has been like for you." Grieving??

Never did it dawn on me that losing someone [a relationship], in life, could result in the kind of sadness one feels, when someone they love, dies. Life is so gloriously beautiful. To be able to experience such a sadness, yet, at the same time, feel such a liberation for its newness. I've been separated from my husband for over a year now, and I have to say, I know the true meaning of bittersweet. I love him differently, now. Our relationship is as close to wonderful, as it could have ever been...all we had to do was end our marriage.

It's December 30th, and I'm feeling reflective:

August

• Was let out of my lease. The company didn't want a lawsuit. I moved into another apartment, because I was accosted by a homeless man, in my old one (among other things)
• I got a new part-time job (a PA, to a bat-shit crazy reality "star")
• Began another podcast with my friend, Meghan Tonjes, called No Lies Detected  
• Not letting go of my joy  

September

• Performance at Hotel Cafe (still don't know how I feel about performing my music, again. Don't want to think about it)
• Parents visited (it was weird for both me and my husband. We live separately, but went out to dinner, all of us, like always...that was fucking weird and gave me and 'E' major anxiety)
• Got into a bad car accident, with my employers kid. It was the fault of the other driver. Car was damaged badly
• Car went into shop, to be assessed
• Not letting go of my joy

October 

• Flew to Florida for a private performance
• Discovered that my employer was bat-shit crazy
• Found out, that although my accident was deemed 'not my fucking fault', the cost to fix my car, was more than my car was worth
• Lost my car ('E's' car too...yikes)
• New Reiki clients
• Not letting go of my joy 

November

• Was fired by bat-shit crazy employer (I'll have to tell you that story, sometime)
• Went to Disney World (had the best time with my friend)
• Spent Thanksgiving alone (and loved every minute of it)
• Was harassed by ex-bat-shit crazy employer
• Wrote the ONLY email to the bitch
• More new Reiki clients
• Not letting go of my joy

December

• Told myself I was going to take it easy for the rest of the year
• Turned 37
• Fasted for 2 days
• Had a divorce/birthday party with 'E' (literally all I could ask for, simple and poignant)
• Had another late birthday party (amazing time)
• Made someone I care about, angry. (enough to hardly speak with me, for 5 days. All parties involved were hurt/annoyed. We figured it out...I think. I hope. All for one, and one for one. Kidding. We are who we are - that's all we can be. I don't like to read into things. Blah, blah, blah)
• Fasted for 3 days
• Was propositioned by a rich old white man, "...spend the holidays, in my cabin, with me."
• The best Christmas Eve
• The best Christmas present there ever was
• The best Christmas Day
• Realized, today, I've had no sex, since January (realized also, I'm demisexual)
• No sex is difficult, but not as difficult as having bad sex (or sex with a dumb fuck, which for me, is the same as bad sex. Just go look up demisexual, if you don't know)
• Not letting go of my joy

It's been an interesting 5 months. I didn't cover every detail, just the important ones. 

What I've learned in 2018? It still remains - I don't know shit. I will not always be pleasing to the people who love me, but this does not make me unlovable. I am irreplaceable. I don't need to "double down" on myself. Sharing my pain and growth has helped A LOT of you, with your own lives (thank you for all the wonderful emails and comments). Never volunteer myself to be murdered, in some white man's cabin. Crying is cleansing. My sarcasm is at an all time high (I love it). I am beautifully fit, in this timeline of my life. What is meant for me, will never run from me. Live life amazingly. Feel pain, love, sorrow, joy in amazing ways. Let them learn and love you. I am loved. I am worthy. Life is grand. Never letting go of my joy (and my joy doesn't have to look like anyone else's). See you in 2019. Love to you and yours.

Upward and onward.

Sabrina

I think one of the worst emotional experiences, as a human being, is when one has to ask themselves, if they are being treated the way they deserve.

Deserve. That word, when used, usually has the meaning of entitlement. What we think we should have because of who we are. It's quite arrogant, when I think about it. I believe, I deserve whatever is coming to me, good or bad. If I'm allowing/keeping myself in something that isn't healthy, or is unfair to me - until I learn otherwise, I deserve it. 

There is also beauty when realization strikes, in a moment. The moment when you think, "I deserve more than this." It's one of the most beautiful releases I've ever experienced - it's extremely empowering. What's even better than that, is being able to give yourself the more, without being dependent on someone else; liberation.

So far, this summer, I've been watching a lot of my favorite movies, and spending a lot of time with myself (sometimes in silence). I'm in the middle of finishing one of my favorite movies, Sabrina. Not the Audrey Hepburn version, but the one with Harrison Ford and Julia Ormond. I grew up loving that movie. In a nutshell, a love story about a woman who has a long time crush on someone, who never notices her. For her, she knows he is the love of her life. As the movie unfolds, things begin to change and life leads her exactly where she is meant to be.

We spend so much time focusing on what we believe is for us, instead of living moment to moment, and trusting that what is meant for us, will never run away. I recently told my father, I'm no longer going to try to do anything. I'm going to spend my days listening and trusting that whatever The Universe has for me, is already mine, whether I've arrived to it, or not.

I is smart. I is kind. I is important...and I am worth it all. Pleading anyone, or anything to see my value, was never deserving of me, to begin with. Letting go of what you think you deserve, is the best thing you can do for yourself. For it is, already, much greater than anything you could ever think of. What's yours is yours, and it will always find you.

Sabrina taught me the meaning of 'deserve'.

Delusions Of Grandeur

I had a conversation with one of my top favorite people, my cousin. She and I have been through a lot together. At one point, in our early 20's, we had a very co-dependent relationship. It was toxic, to say the least. I mean, any co-dependent relationship is toxic. It was some of my most favorite times, though, if I'm being honest - because we had no inhibitions, then. We've both grown up, quite a bit, since then. But do we ever really grow up, or do we just get tired of the trend of our patterns? Either way, she and I have an understanding and are able to communicate through any misunderstandings we've ever had, even if that means not speaking to one another, for days, weeks, even months. It's so good to know that you can be yourself in something, without fear. Feeling safe in it, even when you're unsure about what exactly is happening, rather, what has happened. You can only do that though, when all parties involved, are willing to take responsibility/accountability. Feelings have no place in taking such actions. Because our logic, can still be wrong, even if we feel we've been wronged. I live in love, and in logic. I don't do well with delusions (the human delusion, is the worst of them all). The way we feel, can, at times, make us delusional, when we haven't applied logic.

I've been humbled many times in my life. It's always when I think I don't have something, and then behold, it's been staring me right in the fucking face, for years; blind. I believe most of us spend a lot of time on the hunt for something, believing we can find it in other people, mostly new people. It always feels like there is promise in newness. Frankly, a shit is still a shit, if it's shit - doesn't really matter which toilet you choose. I've learned many lessons in the newness of people. Some of them, only appear, to show you what you can do without. To show, what you no longer need, or should put up with. They are merely 'testers' in your life's timeline, to see if you're really paying attention to the lesson. These days, my eyes and ears are wide open. I believe people, the first time they show me who they are. I never make a way for shit, not anymore; flush.

I've made a promise to myself that I will only give of myself (mind and/or body), to those who add value to my life. Quality people. Too many delusional and irrational beings, who truly believe they are winning at life - because they are breathing. We are meant to live our best lives. This includes, recognizing our toxic behaviors/patterns (towards ourselves and others), taking steps to rectify unhealthy habits, without projecting blame. The only way to do that, is to know that how we feel, doesn't mean it is so. That's a hard pill for delusion to swallow...

...and I'm not the gel-coated kind.

Upward and onward, people.

Naked and (Not) Afraid

It was yours, first. "You're [still] the boss."

March. The last time I posted, was in March. It's June. June 19th. I'd like to tell you where I've been...but I'm still trying to figure that out. I've moved, literally and figuratively. I separated from my husband, moved to LA, and my only possession is my mini guitar (kidding. I own clothes. I just look better out of them.)

Trying to wrap my head around the last few months, enough to give a detailed description; ok. I'm a single woman, living in a studio apartment, in LA, trying to get her life together. I tell myself, everyday, to take it one step at a time...but like, rent. It's so hard to motivate myself, in this space - but I continue to try. Last week, my husband told me he was "...seeing someone." When people don't waste any time. At first, I was elated and happy for him, because I was worried about his well-being. As the days past, I began to feel...no, I allowed myself to feel the hurt. I don't want to get into the personals, because I still have respect for the man I shared the past 13 years of my life with. While we are no longer together, our friendship is important to me, even when I'm hurt.

He's doing exactly what he's free to do. Which made me stop and think, "Bitch, why aren't you doing the same?!" It's because, I've been taking my time. This has been a very long transition, for me (last September). I want to know I've solid foundation, within myself. This means a lot of learning and constant growing during this transition, into my new self. Believe me when I say, I've changed, am still changing...and it feels fucking amazing (even when it doesn't feel so good). The steadiness in my pace is keeping and setting me, exactly where I'm meant to be. For that, I am the most grateful, even when I'm hurting.

There is someone I've been confiding in. 

I feel safe.

I feel womanly.

I feel loved.

I feel freedom.

Every moment spent in that space, makes me confident in every decision I've ever made and with everything that has happened, in my life. Being gifted such a space, with such a person, makes every bit of my past life, worth it.

Are there missing pieces in our lives, or do we fear the wholeness, that is already within us? That’s a rhetorical question. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. Trying to find inspiration, to stay busy...but as I type this, all that runs across my mind is, fuck being busy. I want to get busy. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I had sex, let alone, the mind-blowing kind. I’m a strong believer that sex is a major component of stress relief and inspiration. In the next 10 years, I plan to go back to school to get my Ph.D in sex therapy. It is my true calling. I’m going to be 60 and sex-driven. Watch.

I’m meeting with a jazz pianist next week. 
I’ve released a new single.
I have a show at The Viper Room, July 16th.
I’m looking for an agent.
I’m giving voice lessons.
I’m a certified Reiki healer...I be healin’ folks.

Busy.

I’m going to give myself more credit. I’m doing the best I can, with the money, time and patience I have. That’s all I can do. Anyway, I’m back (I think). 

Onward and upward.

Bow Out, Gracefully

On April 3rd, is my 13th wedding anniversary. I can't wait to celebrate it, with my husband, as it will be a healthy farewell to our marriage. We are separating. 

As much as we love one another (and love working together, which, we still will), we are just no longer compatible. To be honest, I don't think we ever were. We were married just 2 years after it was legal for me to buy my own alcohol, in the States. We barely knew how to drink, without getting drunk. How could we possibly know enough of ourselves, to understand what kind of person would be compatible for one another? But, there was love - it's all we needed (at the time). We are the best of friends. We make each other laugh. We both are obsessed with all things Disney. We love traveling and eating out. We've had some crazy adventures, all while in love. Unfortunately, love just isn't enough - especially as you get older. 

I'm 36, and he, 37. We've both realized we want more out of life, and what we have together, while fun and loving, has halted both our progress (individually and as a couple). We aren't quite sure when we stopped growing together, and began growing apart - it's been a few years now. I think mostly, because we always have a good time, it's really easy to look over the more serious side of things.

We've always communicated differently, particularly, when it was serious. At first, you just accept it as "...that's just how I am. It's just how he is." But, after many years, that well dries out and the thirst gets too real. You find yourself (I don't want to speak for him), looking for all kinds of ways to change, shift, adjust yourself, to keep the peace - not rock the boat, as it were. 

I truly believe, the beginning of a healthy relationship requires two boats, that are naturally, headed in the same direction. Nothing to be forced. No pulling. No stopping. No waiting. Just an even and respectable pace, that when side by side, creates the most still and peaceful journey, which only enhances each sail. At some point, a mutual love and passionate desire is formed, and a bigger boat is shared. However, the smaller boats are not to be neglected. They are to be properly cared for and maintained, by their owners. Only now, each owner has extra help, if ever needed. Also, the solace and safety of a bigger boat. Everybody wins. Everybody grows. Free to be exactly who they are, every.single.time, without fear. Anything else, ain't livin'.

Upward and onward.

Lately

Summer 2011. Musikfest. Just before I went on stage.

Honestly, lately, I've been feeling like utter shit. Through it all, I maintain my daily meditation, tarot card readings, visualizing, praying, fasting - I'm doing it all. I'm 2 weeks away from being a certified Reiki healer. Apparently, I'm more capable of healing others, than myself. I think this may be true for most. Maybe that's why my spirit has always been seen and felt as healing energy. Come to me, I'll heal you. (That was sarcasm, but, like, not sarcasm.)

Anyway, I've been practicing and growing within my own abilities. I possess a clairvoyant nature. I always have, since I was born - and, I'm from Massachusetts (so, you put that one together). So far, I've done several attunements and clearing/cleansing of chakras. Being able to heal or explain to people what's going on with their bodies and/or spirit (and being spot on every time), is quite rewarding. It's one of the things I look forward to most, because there is a feeling of accomplishment, when it's over.

Humor me, as I might jump from subject to subject, in this blog entry. My mind is all over the place, and I'm not even trying to make sense of it, anymore. Funny story (not so funny), a production company offered me $50 to use my music (this, after trying to get it for free...for forever), so, that wasn't insulting. It took all I had, not to tell them to FUCK OFF, WITH THAT MUTHAFUCKIN BULLSHIT. Instead, I just said "I won't be able to authorize use of my music, at this time." Get this, "...we don't have a music budget for this project..." SO  WHY  THEE  FUCK,  DID  YOU  CONTACT  ME??? That put me in a space. In a weird place. In a mood. I just want to put a pin in it, when I feel like this. I don't have the drive to fight these unnecessary battles, with anyone, anymore. When people are impressed with your quality and honesty, yet, can't bring themselves to respect and reciprocate - go away. Why are you here? More so, why are you? I'm disgusted and sickened by human beings, who expect something for nothing - and, for forever. Fuck you. Fuck all of you.

I've been crying a lot. When I say a lot, I mean cradling myself, in a corner, practically. I just want to experience something, anything (at this point), as honest and respectful, as I. I'll be honest, I'm experiencing, at least, one thing - but I'm feeling greedy. "You should be giving that to yourself, Mishal." Is that what you're going to say? Well, I'll have you know, I love myself...very much. There isn't one part of me, that doesn't. I am angry for myself, because she belongs to goodness, (always arrives in the spirit of love, and understanding) and is constantly met with incomplete beings, who talk a good game, and have no follow through. Oh man, I can feel them coming, again; tears. I can also, feel myself slipping into that darkness. In the past, I used to try and fight it. I don't even have the fight or care to do so, at this stage, in my life.

At the end of the year, I'll be 37. I don't know why I just told you that. Maybe to emphasize where I am, in the "no fucks zone". I'm at Bea Arthur, in The Golden Girls, status. This is who I am, now. Love me, respect me - all of me...or leave me the fuck alone. Yes, at this moment, I am an angry, black woman (No. No, I'm not. I'm a passionate black woman, knowing her worth, and "reclaiming her time"). I'm tired - of it all.

I truly want to move upward and onward. I hope the Universe sees this, and sends me a large amount of money, a fly ass studio apartment, in LA, and an old, red, Jeep Wrangler, in mint condition. I'm shallow, today.

Have a good one.

"Compromise for what...what is compromise?"

This documentary began the change in my life, several years ago.

I wrote and posted this on my Facebook, last week:
"We change our hairstyles, often, to add color to the many hats society (including the men, birthed from a black woman's womb), has thrown at us to wear; and wore it, we have - like a crown. Carrying our own suffering has never been enough. We must also, support, mother, encourage, defend, and accept all others, above our own being - else, we are simply labeled as everything BUT the very source of life (literally and figuratively), we've endlessly given. As the years go on, I'm finding, I only trust black women. We love like no other. We fight like no other. We endure like no other. So, excuse me, while I decide if I want to cut my hair, or color it lavender. I may just do both - cause I only got but one last nerve." 

Storytime

Yesterday, I walked into a cute little boutique clothing store. The owner greeted me and asked me if I was looking for anything in particular. She also informed me that she designed and repurposed everything in the store. Everything I laid my eyes on had it's own character, I could tell she was serious and had a passion for fashion and interior design.

"I am in need of pants - handmade, tailored pants." 

"Follow me."

She took me to the back, to where the dresses and bottoms were. I was amazed at how beautiful each piece was. She asked me if I knew my measurements...picked all that she knew would flatter me, and my body type. She was so helpful. We discussed our backgrounds and what we did, for a living. Just friendly conversation, as I tried on clothes in her tiny fitting room. I was the only patron in the store, so, she was very attentive - more than I normally would prefer...but she was so interesting to me. I love people who, it's clear, hone their craft and take pride in their work. Literally, everything fit me. It was as if it they were made just for me. I decided on 3 of the 6 pants I tried on. 

"I'll meet you in the front." 

I got myself together and walked to the front. She had placed my items in a box, that was also a carrying bag. The detailing in her presentation was noteworthy. I grabbed the 'box-bag' and thanked her for her help. "Of course!" I proceeded to walk out of the store, when she quickly stopped me.

"Oh, you haven't paid yet."
"I have to pay for these?"
"Well, um, yea. They aren't free."

____________________________________________

That's what ya'll bums sound like when you expect or even have the audacity to ask, an artist, like myself, to perform for free. Miss me with that bullshit. My art is my work. I do it for. a. living.
I've spent many years developing my craft...the very essence of my being. The same essence you crave, and desire to see perform, on a stage.

DON'T FUCKING PLAY ME.

Only I can volunteer myself to do something, without pay. Approaching me, with the assumption that I will, just because you asked - tells me, you have no respect for me, nor my art.

You'll forever get no. response. from. me. Come correct, or don't come at all. I'm not here for it.

This was a PSA. The story above, is obviously (or maybe not so obvious, to some of ya'll), not true.

Upward and onward.